Saturday, December 12, 2009

Serious Note to my Mid-Aged Self

chocolatecovereddaydreams.blogspot.com  is offering a beautiful wii fit plus for answering a question to a younger you. 
My question is:  Will I ever learn to love and accept myself?



Dear Me:

I know that your life had been turned upside down at 40. You have been in a marriage for a very long time that you know you have not been happy in. You got married very young and never knew how to be on your own. This marriage took you to another country to live. You knew early on that your marriage was not what you had hoped it would be.


The sunny hot day he came in the door, from his almost daily golf game, and announced that he was going to see an attorney, for divorce, he surprised you. Do you remember all the emotions you felt? It was a flow of anger, agitation, fear, anxiety, worthlessness, sadness and hope. Yes you felt hope.

You know you wanted away from his mental and verbal abuse. It had been going on so long that you believed his mean words and actions. You realized that those who lashed out hardest were the ones with the least self-worth but his words cut you like a knife. Yes, it was your decision to believe his lies, but none the less those words of abuse were scars on your soul. You believed you were useless, ugly, stupid, fat, unwanted and this list could continue, but his words are not worth the breath they take to repeat.


He never let you work.

The one thing he did permit you to do, and do well, was be a full-time mother to your child. You know, being a mother, a full-time mother, to your child, is a gift from heaven. I always saw such love between you and your child. She has always been your light.

Him leaving though , was a gift to you. He gave you that gift. He did not know that he was giving the gift though, as he was always so absorbed in himself. He always believed everything was all about him. You would have never left him. You would have taken the verbal and mental abuse, and stayed. I wished you had it in you to leave, but, it was him to leave. What a blessing.

After he left, I was so proud of you, taking control of your life. For so long, you knew you should go to college and use your gifts. You never would take that step. I knew you had it in you.

I was so proud of you, and your determination to rise up.


You went to school, in fact you graduated with honors. Not bad for someone who believed she was stupid.

I watched you go for your first interview after you graduated college. You were so nervous, and I was nervous for you too, but again, I was so proud of you. You took that step, into the unknown, and you nailed the interview, and the second interview and YOU got that position.

I saw the love of your life drive down the street and find a place in your heart from the first time you met. I saw him love you, and how he helped you to understand how wonderful you are. I saw you bloom.

Your divorce was only a stepping stone in your journey. Remember the divorce was the easy part, the marriage was the hard part. I do not have to remind you of this now. It is so evident and clear that you are at peace and in love.

I knew you would make it here. I know that you know that now too.

Oh, by the way, Early Happy 50th Birthday. You've come a long way baby!

I love you.

Me

15 comments:

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I loved your letter to your younger self. It could've been written by me.

Thank you so much for entering the giveaway and for blogging about it.

Brian Miller said...

i am really loving these letters...too bad we cant read them back then. nicely done.

My Aimless Infatuation said...

Been there done that. Thank god for unanswered prayers. So glad your journey brought you to a happy life.

The Good Cook said...

Wow. What great insight.. especially the part where you KNEW he who lashes out loudest is the most insecure. I too was a victim of verbal and emotional abuse - thankfully it was long ago and as women we find the internal strength to move forward and AWAY from that! Hurray you!!! Happy early 50th. - it's just grand here on this side of 50 take it from someone who is here, come on over and enjoy!!!

Steven Anthony said...

I read this letter ans I am amazed by your strength... you are truly an amazing lady, I feel blessed to know you.

peace

Lisa E said...

Thank you all for your kind comments. I think writing letter such as these are self cleansing. Just thinking through life events and writing about them somehow is strengthening.
Ha, Steven you read this before, but as always I appreciate you.

plainolebob said...

Lisa,
Believe it or not I could have written almost the same letter to me.
Many have no idea that this happens to men as well.
BIG HUGS

Lisa E said...

Bob, I used to work at a family law practice and I know men can be equally affected by verbal and mental abuse. Men can be affected just as bad, but tend to be blown off by most, as they are men. It is pityful. Hugs to you also.

deebella said...

I can not fathom what you have gone through. You are a survivor and you are a better person for it.
Happy for you that you have found your true love and your perfect neighbor (ahem!) Had to throw a little humor in there somewhere -
Seriously you have to be proud and you have every right to be.

Lisa E said...

I did find my perfect neighbor, too bad I was so slow to realize it!

My name is PJ. said...

Courage isn't the absence of fear, rather doing the right thing in spite of fear.

You are a strong, courageous, determined, focused YOUNG woman and you should be very proud.

My hope is always that each one teach one. Pay your wisdom forward.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting so that I could find yours!

Lisa E said...

PJ thank you for the kind words. I found your posting on the joy you have in your life so loving and genuine. I am also glad I found you. Have a great week.
Lisa E.

sheila said...

Happy birthday and yes, what a wonderful 'gift' you received! WONDERFUL letter!

The Future Mrs. Leathem said...

Lisa, I loved reading your note. I am so glad that you have found happiness in life after everything that you have gone through. I've known you since I was 12 or 13 years old and although *he* took so much out of you, you remained so kind and positive and you were such a great mother to Shannon. Today, you are still so positive and such a wonderful person. I am so happy that you have found the love of your life because you deserve the best! Everything happens for a reason... :-)

Lisa E said...

Sheila. Thank you!!


Leah~you almost made me cry. It blows me away that you and Shannon are women, and marrying. Your words truly touched me. Thank you.